By Clarence E. Cow | Howe County Staffer 

HOWE — A tornado struck Howe County early Tuesday morning, causing thousands of dollars in damages and leaving several locals homeless and cowless.

The high-speed winds generated by the storm cell caused severe damage to multiple buildings and devastated many of the county’s farms, according to Howe County Counselor Eric Weiss.

“The county levy was damaged, forcing locals onto the rooftops,” the near-retired, Seattle-based attorney explained. “For any citizens who may have been displaced due to damages, a shelter has been set up in the community barn.”

The severity of damage ranges throughout the county’s many cities, with the cities of Randall, La Follette and Thomson facing separate challenges.

In Thomson, City Counselor Jack Kelly reported that several of the city’s facilities suffered structural damage.

“The City of Thomson has experienced significant structural damage,” he said. “Practically no part of the city is free of damage.”

“This is such a mess,” added Assistant City Counselor Grant Heminger. “It spilled my coffee everywhere!”

The citizens of Randall faired no better, according to City Counselor Gus Johnson. Water damage is threatening many homes in the area.

“Everything just smells damp,” the former BBS governor said. “The storms-a-comin.'”

And just to make matters worse for the Randallians, Assistant City Counselor Seth Grabow’s wardrobe was damaged. He will now actually be forced to wear the same pair of shorts all week.

La Follette also endured the full force of the storm. Similar to their neighbors, damage can be seen in all areas of the city: farms, roads, even to their enormous ego.

City Counselor Sam Ward-Packard, who is preparing for a career in crisis law at Stanford Law School, stated that the tornado has left the city in a worse state than he had ever seen before.

“What a mess,” he said. “I let Clarence borrow my zip-line one time, and this is how the universe repays me.”

Ward-Packard’s assistant, Bryan Sanchez, was heartbroken by the storm, according to sources close to him. The Bugle Citizen was not able to corroborate these reports, as Sanchez appears to have gone missing.

Howe Assistant County Counselor Brian Jacobs was not available for comment at the time of publication. Jacobs has not been seen in the county since the School of Public Finance opened Monday.

This is a simulation. Howe County has not experienced any real damage.